Steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully...

Thu, 11 May 2006 02:15:54 GMT

Havent used this in foreverrrrr.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 00:12:50 GMT

This is lame.

I never use this shit anymore.

You can eat my shit Justin Barna.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 03:19:12 GMT

So yeah, theres this bag of douche that picks on my friend Shelbee every morning, for no reason whatsoever, just to be a dick and to get his assbag friends to laugh.

I sent him a message.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I shot tupac
Date: Mar 4, 2006 6:15 PM

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Justin
Date: Mar 4, 2006 11:27 PM

HAHAHA! Your funny. Now i know why i always see you with tons and tons of friends, wait a second...

And this is where I own his ass. He read this and never replied, how the hell do you reply to a burn like this. YOU CANT. I win.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I shot tupac
Date: Mar 5, 2006 12:31 AM

You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt.

OH and assbag, it's YOU'RE
YOU + ARE = YOU'RE, you illiterate twat asshole. Grow the fuck up. Stop picking on people, like Shelbee, just because they're not high school football hero/basketball star/what the fuck ever hero like you. You sperm burper.

Example:
You're the one load I wish your mother would've swallowed.

See the difference?

Do me a favor and mistake a shotgun for your fathers penis and stick it down your throat.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 04:41:15 GMT

For fucks sake! how the fuck can I be failing gym this year... (again)

This makes me so fucking mad.
I've been dressing every fucking day.
I can't help it that miss. bull-dyke andrews fucking hates me.

Me and Liz walked all last marking period because we both got new piercings, she got a fucking B and I got an F. How the FUCK did this happen?

I have a fucking F in math class?
What the shit?
I've done ALL my assignments except for ONE.
ONE, how the fuck could I have an F.
Mrs. Mueller can suck my cock.

KD can fucking burn to the ground.

Red Lion, sup?
I'm moving in with my mom over the summer for good I've made up my mind.
This fucking school isnt fucking me over again this year.

Pretty sad when you have to move over unfair teachers isnt it?

Fuck the "athletic" department, they need to get the dicks out of their asses. (well, excpet for andrews because she is a stupid fucking dyke.

I've decided I'm not fucking dressing anymore.
If I'm going to fucking fail for doing what I'm told, why the fuck bother doing it then?
The lack of motivation is rediculous.

I want to drop out.

I wish I was smart enough to go where Alex is going.

Shes so fucking lucky she rid herself of fucking Kennard Jail.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 02:47:17 GMT

Last night I was TSL, Cartel, Copeland, Gatsby, and The Suicide Pact with Ash and Buckley, and I'm happy Jamie showed up =]

Today I don't feel alive at all.
I feel like I don't have any feelings, or like I can't feel anything.

I went out with Alex after school. She took me home early because I just wanted to sleep.
I hate this, I can't enjoy anything anymore it seems like.

I love my friends so much. Alex and Ashley, you two mean the world to me and I love you more than anything.

Ashleys mom is overly nice to me, she makes me feel good. I love her.

Alexs mom is nice to talk to, I just wish I wasn't so shy and that I could bare everything I want to say, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can write it, but I get too flustered when I have to express it in words and I feel like I don't want to tell a lot of people my problems because I start to feel bad, like I'm making my problems somewhat their problems, I don't know. I just hate it. So I keep it all inside.
Now, If I paid for someone to talk to, youre goddamn right I'd tell everything, probably.

Well, shit.

I can't wait to see the musical.

KELSEY AND SPIV, you guys were AMAZING.
I can't wait to see the rest of the play sunday.
ps. I want autographs, please and thanks youuuu.

angstangstangstangstangstangstangst.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 07:48:33 GMT

I'm lonely.

And depressed. This feeling will NOT go away.
No matter what I do.
And my mom is taking her sweet ass time to help me.

I want to die.

I don't even think my friends like being around me anymore. I know I wouldnt.
I try so hard to pretend I'm okay when I'm around them, but lately I think they can tell whats really the truth.
I wish I could control this. I'm sorry I'm not myself anymore, I really wish I was.

I hate posting shit like this, because I know it's probably annoying.
But it's 2:46 and I'm all alone.

Please understand.

So now, I know no one will comment on this, no one commented on my last 3 posts, thank you very much.

Give me some good books to read, something I can relate to.
I dont read as much as I should. It takes my mind off of things, so help.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 11:56:48 GMT

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LiveJournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

A Fire Inside - Dream of Waking
Head Automatica - Zack Morris is my hero
A Candlelit Disaster - Birds and Car Crashes
Ace of Base - All that she wants
A Change of Pace - December
Horrorpops - Baby-lou Tattoo
Dear Whoever - We cry mercey

I tag:
whoever wants to do this shit.

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 11:08:43 GMT

You never made those signs when you went away.

"I" "miss" "you".

Chelsea with a heart.

...sigh.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 07:37:24 GMT

Its hitting me...

Shes gone.

They put her in a bag... A fucking bag and took her away!

I miss her already.

She was one of the kindest women I've ever known. She was so strong, she held on for so long.

She was so accepting and loving.

She loved everyone for who they were.

She was the only one in my family who always told me I'm beautiful and told me things like "Oh don't listen to Sherri, your piercings are beautiful, like you"

She would always offer me chocolate covered cherries.

She would give you the shirt off her back.

She would never make you feel bad.

She would never hurt anyones feelings.

She would cry if she saw you crying.

She loved breakfast food. She loved coffee.

She didn't like feeling so helpless, I know she did towards the end. She liked doing things on her own.

She loved pictures.

She collected salt and pepper shakers.

She made me believe.

Why do things happen when you least expect them to?
I didnt feel like today would be the day.

My mom got drunk and passed out, after witnessing them taking her away in a bag... a fucking bag.

My grandmother is actually being strong... she knows shes in a much better place. Shes not in pain anymore.

The scary thing is if my grandmom doesnt stop smoking she'll probably be just like her... and if thats the case... I'd like to die right now so I don't have to witness it. Not with my gram. I would not be able to cope with that. Ever.

Reguardless of what my gram may think, she is still and always will be my favorite person. Ever.

Why am I so emotionless around my family. Is it bad to always cry alone.

I don't like crying infront of anyone. No matter who you are.

I'm pretty sure pop still hates me. I don't want him to hate me.

I'm not that horrible. I feel horrible.

I'm alone.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 01:01:36 GMT

right now, someone is dying
someone is being born
someone is breathing in
while someone else exhales
someone is falling in love
someone is having their heartbroken
a nerd is asking a cheerleader out
she's saying no
she's saying yes
they're dating
he's breaking up with her for being shallow
they're getting married
someone is going to work
while someone else comes home
someone is on stage
someone is waiting in the wings
someones life is ending
while someone elses is just beginning
people are starving to death
unwillingly
and willingly
A man is standing on his second story porch staring in at his house
he and his wife are fighting
he is jumping off the roof
he is realizing its not high enough to kill himself
she is coming out the front door to get him
they are sitting at their kitchen table with the lights off eating fried chicken
and knowing
knowing their marriage is different now
someone is reading the bible
someone is crying
someone is laughing
someone is doing both
someone just found out they didn't get the part in the play they really needed
someone else just got their first lead ever
someone in the suburbs wants to kill himself
While a destitute little boy would kill for a life 1/100 as good as his
someone is getting married
someone is getting divorced
someone is speaking
someone is listening
A baby is being aborted
A pregnancy is beginning
A crime is being committed
A life is being saved
One million people are having sex
500,000 people are enjoying it
Someone is waking up
someone is just falling asleep
someone is praying
A couple is getting together
A couple is breaking up
Someone is moving on
someone is meeting the love of their life
Someone is deciding what they want to do with theirs
Someone is starting college
someone is graduating
someone is retiring
someone is starting work
someone is learning
Someone is growing and dying simultaneously
Someone is dying
Someone is living.

Someone is living.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 21:54:05 GMT

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 04:05:01 GMT

"Radios In Heaven"

Your time has already come and I don't know why
The last thing that I had heard
you were doin' just fine
It seems like just yesterday
I was laughing with you
Playing games at Grandma's house
well you taught me well, didn't you?
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
it just passes you by
But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back
So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
If they don't have radios in heaven
here's what I'll do
I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you

Tell me can you hear me now
if not, then I can try to sing real loud
What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?
I hope I'm just like you
I hope I turn out to be as good as you

Her time is almost up... earlier my grandma sat and whispered to her... "it'll be alright ma, you can go whenever youre ready, i love you"

I'm happy that shes happy, I know she is, I know this is how she wanted it. To be at home and have lots of visitors and lots of love.

Only problem is my grandpa is being an asshole. He so fucking cheap he doesn't want to pay for dinner after the funeral, he told my grandma she can make it. WTF is wrong with that man... thats HER MOTHER. Christ, talk about being insensitive. I know funerals are expensive, but its something you have to fucking do. Andddd we got into a huge arguement and he told me if my grandma wasnt right there he would "fuck me up" (real nice to say to a 15 year old.. a grown ass man, wtf) and he said.. "I want you to live with your father, I can't fucking stand you anymore, mark my words, you will live with your father"... after that I ran back into my room and my grandma freaked on him. NO ONE can be mean to me accept her.. haha. My mom said she threw a dish at my grandpa when I left...

I don't like causing drama, it all started when I over-heard my mom talking onthe phone with some new guy, another puerto rician asshole who will just fuck everything up. So I freaked out and do what I always do.. "maaaaa get off the fucking phone, get off, stop talking, you fuck everything up"... theres truth in all that I said, thats why I can't believe shes so fucking stupid to actually try to do something like that in the same house as me, she should know better by now.

Oh fuck it.

fuck.

I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. Thats not what I need to be doing at this time... theres plenty of time for that after Hennie is gone, but right now, I guess I have to roll with it.

Fuck.

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 03:04:43 GMT

Today I was waiting for ash to pick me up so we could go to borders... no one was in the living room with Hennie.. so I went by her hospital bed... I didnt know it was this bad. I tried waking her up.. she finally did kind of open her eyes and she grabbed my hand. I just stood there, sad, fustrated, I dont even know. Fusterated because she used to wake right up, sad because I know time is running low. I knew I was about to cry more then I already was, I just kept trying to hold it back because I know if she saw me so sad it would break her heart, because thats the kind of person she is. Always caring about other people. So I said.. "I love you Hennie" and gave her a kiss.. and she faintly said with hardly any strength to even talk.."I love you too".. and I said "I'm going out" and she said "You come back okay..." then I went into the garage and broke down.

My hearts in like 8985489675497 pieces right now. I've never had anyone thisclose to me die. Maybe thats why it's so hard to deal with, I dont know...

I feel guilty, I used to spend a lot more time with her, when I was little, I would go down to her house with my grandma every chance I could and as I got older I kind of lost interest... I just feel awful.

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 05:00:15 GMT

xlovexjoyxdiver: Mr. Smith said something that made a lot of sense once, that I'll always remember...something about, is it better to live life as if there is a God and die in vain than live life as if there's not and end up in Helll for eternity? I think it was a philosophy from somewhere else, but I'm not sure.

So yeah... Hennie doesn't have that much time left, I can feel it.
My g-mom is sleeping by her side tonight...

This doesnt seem real. I want to be little again, like the age 7 or 8. I remember how she used to always play checkers with me, and cards, and she wouldn't get mad about me cheating. Or how I thought she was the coolest g-mom ever because she let me cuss openly. I used to make her eggs, I know they were horrible, but she would act like it was the best thing she ever ate. Shes one of the most caring people I've ever known.

Wow, I didn't think it would be this hard.

And no one in my family knows how hard I'm taking it because I don't let any emotion out until I'm alone... like always.

Why do I think emotion is so weak? I really wish I could figure it out.

Just like tonight when my aunt came in to say Hi and rubbed by back.. I was like.. "wtf, stop, whats wrong.. don't do that.." .. like there has to be a reason for someone to be nice to me.

Fuck.

I just don't know.

xlovexjoyxdiver: Yeah, life fucking flys. And before we know it, that'll be us laying in some family member's living room waiting for it all to end. I just wish I had some idea what that feels like. We all go to sleep at night but we always wake up the next day, so it's seems so intangible, to know you'll never wake up again.
xlovexjoyxdiver: And maybe that's why there's the concept of a heaven, or afterlife, it's a way for people to cope with the fact that there may be nothing. Because it seems so surreal that it all just ends.
Smile Fxcker 23: This is so depression.. its times like these where you need something to believe.. but its too hard for me just to "believe".

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 21:13:36 GMT

Once on a yellow peice of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it chops
because that was the name of his dog
And thats what it was about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year father tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let the kids sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him into bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a white peice of paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And thats what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see santa clause
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence:A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And thats what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that father tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of of Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because he didnt think
he could make it to the kitchen.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I love that damn book.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:20:47 GMT

New Piercing =D

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:11:33 GMT

♥♥♥

So, friday, Liz stayed the night. Justin came over till 2 am :)
mmm waffles.
Saturday, felt crappy most of the day.
Ash's christmas party at 5.
Today, Hennies (great g-mom) her (last) birthday party at the nursing home. I saw a lot of family I didnt even knew existed, thats always fun. Ewy, that place smells so nasty, you have to like mouth breathe the whole time.
My stomach as been a mess since saturday night. Fun.

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 00:51:15 GMT

love.

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 18:09:42 GMT

Guess who is suspended till wednesday?

I AM, I AM!

I won't go down without a fight.
My g-mom talked to Disley for like an hour. He's such a nice man, I kinda feel bad for being bitchy to him, but he understands its something I have to do. He didnt make up the rule. In fact he told my gram that he's going to try to get rid of this rule, cause he doesnt believe its very fair either.

Hitler was being an assbag (Detrick) He was like.. your lip ring needs to come out and stay out. I was like.. "who the hell are you to tell me I need to KEEP it out, how dare you" Theyre on a total fucking power trip. If your parents sign for you to get a piercing, then you should be able to fucking keep it in, they are even trying to over-ride the fucking parents..make them less important.. and what they say.

Fuck kd.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 03:43:32 GMT

FRIENDS ONLY.
COMMENT TO BE ADDED.

notyour_space